A River in Egypt

It's been a rough few weeks in the Burcusa household. I've already caught you up to speed on the physical illnesses that have been taking a toll on our family - particularly poor Rose with her double ear infections! (The good news is that her medicines are working, but the bad news is that giving her medicine is terribly traumatic for all involved, as she clenches her jaw and cries through pursed lips!)

What I haven't yet told you about is the emotional experiences that we've been dealing with. Mike's story is not mine to tell, so I'll just say that he's been coping with a lot of stress at school.   Meanwhile, I've been coping with a lot of stress at work.

You probably already know that I crave routine, consistency, and predictability. Apparently the universe is trying to give me a lesson (or two!)  in flexibility and adaptability, because the only thing that doesn't change at the Emily Program is that it's constantly changing! In the past three years I've gotten better about coping with the on-going evolution of the business, but one thing that continually stresses me out is "structural re-organization." Ugh. I shudder just thinking about the word "re-org," perhaps because I was laid off from my last job due to "structural re-organization." We just had a re-org about six months ago (which turned out to be totally fine in the end, since I got promoted and all), and now we're going through another one already. The details won't be announced until our staff meeting next week, so of course that stresses me out. I've been told that I don't need to worry at all about the possibility of losing my job (whew!), but I can't help but worry about how the changes will shake out and affect my role. I guess the universe is still trying to teach me flexibility. Sigh.

And as if that wasn't enough to deal with, now I'm waiting to find out more about my boss's health. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about two years ago, and she underwent radiation, chemo, a double mastectomy, reconstructive surgeries, and multiple procedures to address various complications she had along the way. Almost a year ago she had gotten as clean of a bill of health as one can possibly get post-cancer, but last Tuesday she was told that her bloodwork looked suspicious so she had to go in the next day (i.e., the day before Thanksgiving) for a PET scan. The scan apparently found suspicious spots on her spine and on her liver, so she was scheduled for a biopsy first thing Monday morning. (Part of me is relieved that things are moving so quickly for her, but part of me is also worried by the speed at which her doctors are performing these procedures, because I can't help but think that means it's potentially very bad news.) I keep compulsively checking her Caring Bridge site, but she either hasn't gotten her biopsy results back yet or she's not ready to share the results.

Fucking cancer. I'm so sick of it affecting people I know and love. It's not fair! Bad things shouldn't happen to good people.

For the most part I've been operating in total denial. It's kind of been interesting to observe that process in myself because I don't typically operate that way. (Usually I intellectualize instead.) I don't know why it's so fascinating to me, but it's like I have a new-found respect for the true Freudian defense mechanism of denial.  (See? I'm already intellectualizing my awareness that I'm using denial! Apparently my psyche is willing to do anything to avoid feeling the utter terror of metastatic breast cancer.)

The stress has also been a reminder of my on-going goal to be more present, mindful and appreciative in my own life. I'm getting better at it overall, but some days are certainly better than others. It's hard to slow down and appreciate each moment for what it is. In some ways Rose pulls me out of the present (hurry up and eat so I can wash the dishes before your bath!), but in most ways she is a wonderful reminder of what's truly important to me (her! Mike! family! relationships!).    In addition to my new-found respect for denial, I also have a new-found respect for the overwhelming love I feel for Rose. I had always heard about how the strength of the parent-child bond (the I'd-jump-in-front-of-a-bus-for-you kind of love), but now I have a new appreciation of just how deep those emotions are. I wish I could put into words the depth of the love I feel for her. She's so amazing!

Here she is, my pride and joy:

She's still not eating a lot because she's sick, but she did have a little taste of pizza tonight. That's my girl! ;)