today it hit me

After I left work today, I felt near tears as I was driving home. I couldn't identify any sort of immediate cause - I'm excited about our move, I hadn't had any particularly difficult patient sessions today, Mike and Rose are happy and well, etc.  So I simply turned my radio off and allowed my thoughts to wander. As I felt the waves of sadness wash over me, I realize that I'm mourning. Deeply mourning.

I'm mourning the loss of civility in our country. Trump's election hit me particularly hard, and I've been struggling with how someone could possibly think, say and do such hateful things. From mocking the disabled, to bragging about assaulting women, to vilifying all followers of a particular religion, and on and on and on. Politics has never been pretty, and there has always been a vast divide between the beliefs of those on the right and on the left. I can disagree vehemently with someone like John McCain, but I can also have utmost respect for his convictions and his lifetime of public service in pursuit of what he believes will bring betterment to the lives of most Americans. You see, our country used to have a foundation of respect for each other and civility in public discourse. We used to be able to disagree on the particulars, but agree that we have a common goal of improving America. With Trump in office, however, we have become a nation of shameless bullies, where hateful intolerance is de rigueur. I find Trump to be completely vacuous, and I fear for our country as it is being guided by someone seemingly bereft of any sort of guiding principles. As a nation we seem to be losing our moral compass and have abandoned the bedrock of civility that has previously bound our disparate ideals.

I'm mourning the police violence in our country. How many unarmed Black men have been shot and killed for doing nothing more threatening than peacefully walking down the street?? Black Lives Matter!! And now there is even more brutality from the Minneapolis police department: an officer shot two dogs in a fenced backyard (which cameras show were clearly not acting in any sort of threatening manner), and a woman was shot and killed after calling 911 to report a possible assault in her alley. All of these are devastating. Any loss of innocent life is a tragedy. How much more will it take before there is meaningful change? I still believe that nearly all police officers are good, hard-working, and caring individuals. But the militarization of our police force is having devastating consequences when paired with our nation's implicit biases regarding race. I don't know how to talk to my 5-year-old daughter about these things - how do I tell her about these things, but also tell her to call police if she is ever in danger, to trust the police, that police will protect her?  We need to undo the culture of "shoot first, ask questions later." We need to increase empathy, not only in the police department but also across our culture. We need to promote de-escalation and communication, rather than brinkmanship followed by the inevitable use of such deadly force.

And I'm mourning the loss of my voice. I've always been someone with strong opinions, and someone who is willing to stand up for the little guy. My convictions run deep, and I pride myself on being able to speak up appropriately when I see injustice in the world. Or at least that's how I used to be. I had no idea that working at the VA would cause me to feel so silenced. Part of this is due to the Hatch Act, which is the law that prohibits certain federal employees from engaging in certain political activity. Part is this is also due to how that Hatch Act has been interpreted by leadership at my particular VA. And part of this is due to horrendous bullying I experienced from a former coworker. The result is that I feel unable to take a public stance in anything that might be remotely "political," and I feel silenced. Not that I would foist my politic beliefs on a patient in a therapy session, but I would love to be able to speak freely with friends (outside of work hours) about my convictions, without fear that I'm breaking the law or being interpersonally commandeering (as the aforementioned coworker bully accused me of).   If it weren't for this perfect storm, I could see myself creating something like Indivisible or Citizen Therapists.  But at this point I would settle for not being AFRAID to JUST SHOW UP for the Women's March or the March for Science! And thus I mourn the loss of my belief that it is OKAY for me to have an opinion, that it is OKAY for me to share that opinion in public, and that I can TRUST myself to share those opinions when, how, and with whom it is appropriate.

By the time I got home I was pretty much cried out. I hadn't realized that I had been feeling so raw, or that these things had been affecting me so deeply. I pray that I will get my voice back (tonight's blog post is a start), that I can help promote change by modeling civil discourse in my own writing, and that I can use my newly reclaimed voice to stand up for the things I can about (like ending racism and senseless violence).