48 weeks / 11 months

Saturday:

We test drove SUVs! Thanks to a series of incredibly generous parents and in-laws, I've never bought a car. I was super intimidated at the dealerships, but eventually it turned out to be pretty fun!  I think we have it narrowed down to a few different models, so now we just have to finish our research to make a decision that makes the most financial sense for us.

BTW, Rose was dressed for spring on Saturday, even though we still have ridiculous amounts of snow around. (I'm so tired of winter!!!!)

"Go Twins!"

Sunday:

We took the last of the frozen milk out of the freezer! I'm still nursing Rose at night, but this feels like the end of an era. Thankfully she seems to really like formula now. I'm proud that the frozen milk lastest as long as it did - this was the result of a LOT of pumping. Whew!

Sunday we also took Rose's weekly portraits.

Monday:

The last dose of Rose's 10-day course of antibiotic. She liked the taste so much that she always wanted to hold the medicine syringe after taking the medicine!

 

Then, as I posted yesterday, she got sent home from school with a fever due to hand, foot and mouth disease. Sigh. At least she's a happy girl as long as we stay up on her ibuprofen. Fingers crossed that she gets over this illness quickly and recovers for a good, long period of time!

46 weeks!

Rose is really loving her walking toy from Great Aunt Dolly and Great Uncle Peter! This week it's been the thing she crawls over to the second she gets home from school each day. As you can see, she's gotten quite proficient at walking with it! (Mom and Dad, go to the blog to see the video!)

Way to go, Rose!


In other news, here are some updates from our world.

Work: I'm finally starting to settle in to my new role! I'm having fun learning new things, meeting new people. being exposed to the business side of the company, and thinking about things in new ways. There were even a couple days last week that it was hard to tear myself away from work because I was enjoying my projects so much! Good thing Mike and Rose are so wonderful to come home to. :) Now I just need to make sure I pace myself and don't get burnt out (and sick again!) from eustress rather than distress!

Sleep: I'd been getting frustrated with the chaos of Rose's daytime sleep schedule. She usually takes two naps a day (although sometimes only one), but these naps can range from 20 minutes each to 2.5 hours each. And there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to whether her first nap is at 8:30am or 11:30am. Ugh. We have had so much success with nighttime sleep ever since we implemented our strict evening routine - I crave that consistency in our daytime routine on the weekends! After a disastrous attempt at regulating naptime yesterday (don't ask), we decided to stick with our "crutches" of the stroller and the magic sleep machine (i.e., the car). There is so much chaos in the infant room at her school that it's been impossible for them to implement a standard nap time for Rose, and since she's there 5 out of 7 days each week, we just don't see her enough to overcome that chaos. So we're choosing "radical acceptance" of our crutches... at least until she's in the toddler room this fall, where everyone naps at the same time!

Nursing: Back when I was pregnant, I had no idea how long a year is in nursing months. It's like dog years or something - one month of regular time feels like seven years in nursing time! After I went back to work last July, I started pumping in the mornings as well as twice work, then breastfed Rose as soon as I picked her up in the afternoon and also before bed. I don't remember exactly when I made the changes, but I remember pushing myself to tears before weaning off the afternoon pumping at work (October?), off work pumping altogether (Thanksgiving), and off the afternoon feed at home (January?). Which left me with my morning pumping and bedtime feeding. For several weeks now I've been struggling with low mood and no energy - part of this can't be helped due to the cold weather and the minimal sunlight we've had, but part of this is because I haven't found a way to consistently get in any exercise this winter. Back when Rose took a catnap on the way home from school it was easy to walk the long way home for exercise. But now she gets SUPER grumpy if she's allowed to fall asleep after 4pm, so I need to race home as quickly as I can before she falls asleep in her stroller. So earlier this week I decided to soon start skipping the morning pumping session in order to exercise in the morning, and I proudly came to this decision without reaching my breaking-down-crying-sobbing point. And now that I've announced it publicly I'm going to have to stick with this routine and not hit the snooze bar in the morning! I did not feel the slightest hint of sadness when I put Bertha away Friday morning, and I only felt a hint of guilt when Rose had her last morning nursing session today. Ah, it's pretty nice to make decisions that are in my own best interest, as hard as that sometimes can be to do.

Finally, here are Rose's portraits from this week:

"Here I come!"

"This is so much fun!"

"And away I go, in my wide-legged, lock-kneed stance!"

"This is the best day ever!"

Have a great week, everyone!

44 weeks / 10 months!

Little Miss is growing up! She's finally starting to feel better and her sunny disposition is really starting to shine. She's so much fun to be around!

Last evening I took a couple photos before her nightly bath. Her little body is so cute, I could just eat her up! (I used to think it was weird when people said that about babies. Now I'm finally starting to get it! Well, at least about my baby...I don't want to eat anyone else's baby.)

This morning we started taking our weekly photos in the living room, but as soon as we started we had another photo to add to the "keepin' it real" files:

I quickly cleaned up the random spit-up, then Rose was off to play! I was having such a hard time getting clear photos because she kept switching from toy to toy. She's a little bundle of energy when she's feeling good!

"I love to read!"

Thinking about standing...

 
Well, she's a bundle of energy until the "tired eyes" suddenly hit!

We had some errands to run anyway, so we piled everyone in the car and Rose was out cold within seconds. Yes, the car is back to being the "magic sleep machine" once again. Like mother, like daughter.

After the errands were complete, we decided to check out Eden Prairie Center. None of us had ever really been inside it before, so we figured it was as good a place as any to get some walking in while the weather is still cold. And then we discovered Rose's new favorite place: an indoor play area!

Our little peanut, who had been looking so grown up at home, suddenly looked so small among all the other kids! But she absolutely loved it - she even pulled herself up to standing (which she has apparently been doing for weeks at school, but it was the first time I'd ever seen it)!

The other exciting part of the morning was that Rose drank a bottle that was 2/3 milk and 1/3 formula. We're coming down the home stretch on our milk stash, so we need to transition her to formula pretty soon. Every time we've tried giving her a formula bottle in the past several months she has flatly rejected it. Then Mike came up with the gradual transition idea and so far it seems to be working (fingers crossed)!

Speaking of food, after Rose tuckered herself out in the play area, we headed off to Biaggi's for lunch. Rose really must be feeling better because she ate three big slices of bread (dipped in olive oil and parmesan), she sucked all the flavor off my cucumber salad, and she ate all the avocado off my sandwich. And she was a delightful lunch companion in general - she sat quietly eating while we enjoyed our meals and conversation, and a wonderful time was had by all!
 

Have a great week, everyone!

random updates

1. Mike took Rose to the MD this morning and she has an upper respiratory infection (viral) and the stomach flu (also viral), so we just need to treat with rest, fluids, and probiotics (as we've been doing). Thankfully no pneumonia, bronchitis, intestinal blockage, etc. Mike said she was happy to get back to school, so hopefully she's on the mend! :)

2. We're getting a new hot water heater and a water softener on wednesday. I'm so excited! I'm sick of taking lukewarm showers, and I'm especially excited to take a bath for the first time since before I was pregnant. Bye bye to tepid water!

3. Back when I started pumping I bought an extra set of pump parts, plus an additional package of six extra "membranes" since I heard they were prone to breakage. Well, I never ripped one of the tiny white discs, but I accidentally ended up dropping plenty of them down the garbage disposal! Yesterday I had to pull out the last of my extra membranes - I refuse to buy any more, so if I lose/break any more it will be a sign that it's time to stop nursing. Along those lines (TMI alert!) now that I'm down to nursing "only" twice per day (this weekend we decided that I could ditch the 4pm nursing), I'm wearing a real bra today for the first time since mid-pregnancy! What a treat!

Have a great day, everyone!

38 weeks!

Work has been super busy again, so sorry for the delay in posting. Here she is on Sunday, before she got super sick on Monday. Isn't she a cutie?!

She's still not crawling forward, but she is super mobile at scooting herself in circles and getting up on her hands and knees to reach (mostly) whatever she wants!

This next photo cracks me up. Rose isn't deliberately pointing (yet!), but this picture sure makes it look like she's showing off her tea pot!

Maybe next week I'll get a picture of her waving "bye bye," which makes my heart melt it's so cute!!!



In case anyone is curious, this has been Rose's daily routine (give or take, and when she's not sick):

5:15am - Steph wakes up and pumps (ah, Bertha, your days are numbered!!)
6:30am - wake up, morning fresh bottle
7:30am - Mike drops Rose off at school
8am - breakfast
9:30am - second fresh bottle, 30 minute nap (roughly, because the timing of her school naps is so variable!)
11:30am - lunch
1pm - frozen milk bottle, 30 minute nap
3pm - snack
4pm - Steph picks Rose up
4:30pm - nursing, another 30-minute nap
5:30pm - dinner
6pm - "family fun time" (usually we just hang out on the bed and read a book, let Rose play with her egg and cup, and practice standing/sitting or other gross motor skills)
6:30pm - bath time
7pm - nursing, lights out
7:30pm - Mike watches TV, Steph reads, and we go to sleep by 10am at the latest


I can't believe Rose will be 9 months old next week! Time to start planning a birthday party...

Have a great week, everyone!

31 weeks!

Oy vey! Was it only a week ago that I said we were all recovering from the stomach flu? Well, apparently I spoke typed too soon, because the next day Rose came down with a cough. A pretty bad cough which eventually led her to lose her voice! Yet she still seemed mostly healthy so we still took off for Appleton on Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving). But by the time we arrived she had a raging fever! Poor baby Rose! It was torture to hear her coughing and whimpering, and to know that there was basically nothing I could do other than give her ibuprofen and lots and lots of love. We kept her dosed up with Tylenol whenever she seemed warm for the next several days, but she's such a good-natured baby that we kept thinking she was on the mend. ("Fussy" for Rose is still pretty happy!) Well, today we found out that she's been fighting off a double ear infection!!! No wonder she's been "fussy," particularly about laying down to sleep. Poor girl! So when you see her in the pictures below, just remember that she was fighting a pretty yucky infection. She's such a trooper!



Thanksgiving 2012

My parents hosted 18 people for dinner! It was so great to see my extended family, but (as always) the time went by way too quickly!

Waiting for Turkey!

Our head chef, putting the finishing touches on a delicious meal!

Quality time with Great Gramma

Little Miss was not impressed! (I think her taste buds have been affected by the illness.)

 On Friday we took Rose for her first "pilgrimage" to Lambeau!!!

Mmmm...butter burgers at Kroll's!

On Friday night my parents watched Rose while Mike and I went out to see Skyfall, the new Bond movie. It was soooo much fun! We hadn't seen a movie in the theatre since we saw The Descendents on Devember 9, 2011 (the day of our 20-week ultrasound). What a treat!

On Saturday we just lounged around - Rose still wasn't feeling well, I was tired, and Mike had contracted Rose's illness. It was great to get some rest!  That morning, Romina also introduced us to Skype. Rose seemed to love it!

 

She also loved all the quality time she got with her grandparents.  :)

Dancing with Ninja!

"I don't want tummy time. I want to stand!"

"Ahhh...much better!"

 Rose also got an early Christmas present from her great aunt Dolly and great uncle Peter. She loves it!

 

 She's now officially 7 months old!

In other news, thanks for all the support after my last (venting) post. I feel so much better about my decision to cut down to nursing "only" twice per day. It was such a treat to leave Bertha at home this morning!!! Thanks for not judging me as harshly as I tend to judge myself. :)

Have a great week, everyone!

30 weeks!

We seem to have finally recovered from the nasty stomach flu that we all contracted, and now Rose and I are just fighting a run-of-the-mill cold of some sort. Everyone tells me that the payoff after the first year of daycare is that you and your kids are basically never sick ever again, and I really hope this piece of parenting lore is true!

I think part of the reason that I've been so susceptible to things is that I've been continuing to stress about nursing. I never thought I'd say it, but I had actually come to enjoy feeding Rose (at least most of the time). For that most part it's super convenient, and I like that it's free (after the exorbitant sum we paid for her special bottles and nipples). And she so clearly seems to enjoy and thrive on milk, so the thought of giving it up truly saddens me. But at the same time, I feel like Bertha the breastpump not only sucks the milk out of me, but she also sucks out a part of my soul. I feel like I'm dying inside. I truly despise lugging Bertha back and forth to work every day, I'm really starting to resent the amount of time that it takes to pump and wash all the parts, and I also get frustrated that the vast majority of the feeding responsibility falls on my shoulders. I've come to the point that I basically hate it, and I also hate that I hate it. How can I be so selfish? Don't I want to help Rose be as happy and healthy as she can possibly be? What kind of mother am I?

Before Rose was born, I really wanted to make it to one year with exclusive breastfeeding. Immediately after she was born, I just wanted to make it through the next feeding! But after about six weeks we hit our stride and I was back to long-term breastfeeding plans. It wasn't too bad after I first got back to work, but as the weeks have worn on I've become increasingly frustrated and resentful - and have been feeling increasing guilt for even feeling such things. (How about some secondary judgment to really lay on the misery!?!) I bought myself some time a few weeks ago when I decided to cut down from pumping twice a day at work (for a total of 3x/day) to only once per workday, but even that isn't enough any more. I've been saying for months now that I'm just taking it week by week, or day by day, or feeding by feeding, and now I've come to realize that I have to stop now if I'm going to keep my sanity. I've reached my breaking point.

I literally broke down with Mike yesterday, and he was incredibly supportive. I don't think he truly understands what a difficult decision this has been for me, but he knows how it's been tearing me up inside and he's a wonderful partner when I'm struggling. Man, I just hate that I feel so guilty about this! I know it's the right decision, but it's so hard not to beat myself up about it.

And even though I'm at my breaking point, I'm still not ready to give it up completely. (Because I want to continue or because I'm a glutton for punishment? I really don't know, and quite frankly I'm not willing to investigate that corner of my psyche tonight when I'm already feeling so raw.) So starting the week after Thanksgiving, I'm going to breastfeed Rose just in the morning and the evening, and Bertha the breastpump will stay at home. The plus side to this plan is self-evident, but the potential drawback is that I'll still have to pump on the four mornings per week that I leave the house before Rose wakes up. And the really big potential drawback is that my milk might dry up completely; we'll just have to wait and see.

So there you have it.  I'm publicly admitting defeat. I've waving the white flag to surrender. I'm so sorry, Rose. I hope one day you can understand that I had to make this decision because I love you and want to be there for you, as paradoxical as that might seem.

Here's my beautiful girl. Let's hope she can adapt quickly after the rug gets pulled out from underneath her in a week.

sleep training: final update?

It's been awhile since I've posted much other than pictures, so here goes!

1. Sleep training was one of the best parenting decisions we have ever made. (Whew!) Rose is generally sleeping through the night now, and I'm finally letting myself fall into a deep sleep. It's so amazing to feel rested! I still haven't fully caught up on my ridiculous sleep debt, but I'm enjoying having a few hours to myself each evening and to having uninterrupted sleep most nights. I wish I could convey to you all how much I love becoming more rested again!

2. Speaking of parenting decisions, I've been down to pumping only twice per day (once when I get up at 5:15 am and once at work, usually around 10 or 11 am) for the past two weeks. I've still been able to keep up with Rose's bottle needs, plus have a little surplus. (How I still I have a surplus, I don't know! We have milk frozen since back in July!) I set the goal of ending pumping at work on January 1, which I am oh-so-eagerly counting down to. It's been so nice to only pump once per workday, I can't even imagine how liberating it will feel to have an entire day of work that is uninterrupted by Bertha The Breast Pump. I think I'm going to try to continue nursing in the morning and the evening come January, which means I would have to continue pumping on weekday mornings; I'm a little torn about that decision, so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But at least I can stop hauling Bertha to work with me every day!

3. I'm growing out my hair. We'll see how long this decision lasts, but at this point I'm shooting for shoulder length. I haven't had long hair in ages! I'm looking forward to wearing a ponytail again, and a bun, and french braids.  We're going to Appleton for Thanksgiving, and I'm hoping to find a picture of the last time I had long hair back in 5th grade. I'll keep you posted, loyal blog readers.

4. Remember back when I said that I realized that I could have hobbies if Rose went to bed regularly? I think I've been so deprived of "Steph time" for so long that I might have gone a little overboard with this. (Oops.)  In the two weeks since we started sleep training, I've taken on two pretty major tasks: first is making all of our family Christmas presents, and second is repainting our bathroom.

The bathroom is something that I've been meaning to do literally for years, but never took on first because I might have been pregnant and then because I actually was pregnant. So now I finally have the health clearance to expose myself to paint fumes in a small, enclosed space! I spent a few nights looking at paint chips, then another afternoon I bought all the supplies, and tonight I painted the ceiling.

Tonight I learned that: my arms are probably going to be really sore tomorrow, the ugly edging will make me want to start on the walls tomorrow night  (can't wait for the new color!), and I'm renewing my vow to never paint another ceiling ever again! (I said that after I painted the kitchen ceiling two years ago, and you can see how long that vow lasted! Ceilings are miserable! At least we have small rooms in our house.)

As for the Christmas presents, I spent several days scouring Pinterest for ideas, then ordered some supplies so I could do a trial run of my chosen project. It seemed to work, so now I'm waiting for the rest of the supplies to come in and for Mike to clean out a work area in the basement for me. I'm excited to get going on this, but also a little nervous about whether I'll actually be able to get it all done before Christmas. And a little nervous hoping that our parents will actually like the gifts once they're finished...

5. Only two more weeks to go until I can start listening to Christmas music again! I'm so excited to sing holiday songs to Rose!!!

6. I'm pretty sure there was something else I was going to post, but I can't remember and I *really* need to get to bed.  Hope you've all been happy, productive, and well rested!

thanks, Mom

As I'm sitting here spending some quality time with Bertha (my pump), I thought I'd provide you all with an update.

My mom always knows the best thing to say. After reading my blog post from yesterday, she responded via email with:

It's exhausting to be weighing the pros and cons over and over.  Stop thinking for a minute.  Take some deep breaths and let the answer come to you very slowly.  And if the answer doesn't come, then just continue to be relaxed and know you don't need to make any decisions yet.  Take time to check in occasionally until you know.  Meanwhile relax your mind and tell yourself that perfect timing is at work in your life.

Love ya,

Mom

Isn't she the best?

I also talked with Mike last night, and I'm happy to say that I now have a plan. Right now I'm shooting to breastfeed and pump through the end of the year, weaning off the pump by Jan 1 so I don't have to keep this up at work anymore once my new schedule is in place for 2013. That's the plan for now, but I'll keep checking in with myself to see if it needs to be revised at all in the upcoming weeks/months. Whew. Such a relief to not have to agonize any more - learning to be flexible with my planning is hard work! (And it's made that much harder when I'm sleep deprived and not thinking clearly!)


And now, your moment(s) of zen:

 (Miss Rose was basically awake from 3:30am to 5:00am straight! Booooo!!!)