Wednesday, September 14, 2011
trying to stay calm
It's been a rough few days. This is about the time that our last two pregnancies ended, and it's really hard to get that out of my mind. I just really want this time to work! Sigh.
Week 8: Raspberry
Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
cravings
I'm sure you've all heard the good news by now (since I've only shared this blog address with my "circle of trust"), but just wanted to reiterate: we have cardiac activity!!
We just had our latest medical appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist (RE) yesterday, and it was all good news! The fetus is measuring right on schedule (7w2d) and, even more importantly, we saw the heartbeat!! We've been here before so I know nothing is guaranteed, but my RE said he is very optimistic. He cleared me to leave his clinic and go back to my regular ob/gyn. He even sent us home with a blank birth announcement and asked that we send it back to him in April!
Here's our proof of cautious optimism. (The top photo somehow shows the heartbeat, and the bottom shows it's measuring right where it should. It still kind of all looks like blobs to me, so you might just have to take my word for it.)
This good news makes me feel much less crazy, since I was worried that all my nausea and fatigue was all in my head. And my cravings! Enough already, I say. Absolutely nothing sounds appetizing, but every once in awhile I get a super strong craving for some comfort food. First it was macaroni and cheese (easy enough for me to make). Then it was mashed potatoes and gravy (easy enough to pick up at Boston Market). Yesterday it was beef stroganoff.
I waited until today, but the craving was still there. I decided to make the stroganoff rather than going to Noodles, simply so I'd have some leftovers. Mike and I ran out to Byerly's to pick up the ingredients. We had no trouble finding any of them except the beef tenderloin. I couldn't find it in the case, so finally I asked the butcher, who led me to the fresh (not pre-packaged) meat area. As we were walking, he asked how much I wanted. By the time I saw the price per pound, he had already started slicing the meat for me. I nearly had a heart attack. I literally haven't bought beef in about a year (since Mike went veg) so I had no idea how much good tenderloin costs.
That's right. Twenty five dollars per pound. Holy crap.
But you can be sure it made the best darn stroganoff I've ever tasted in my life!
We just had our latest medical appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist (RE) yesterday, and it was all good news! The fetus is measuring right on schedule (7w2d) and, even more importantly, we saw the heartbeat!! We've been here before so I know nothing is guaranteed, but my RE said he is very optimistic. He cleared me to leave his clinic and go back to my regular ob/gyn. He even sent us home with a blank birth announcement and asked that we send it back to him in April!
Here's our proof of cautious optimism. (The top photo somehow shows the heartbeat, and the bottom shows it's measuring right where it should. It still kind of all looks like blobs to me, so you might just have to take my word for it.)
This good news makes me feel much less crazy, since I was worried that all my nausea and fatigue was all in my head. And my cravings! Enough already, I say. Absolutely nothing sounds appetizing, but every once in awhile I get a super strong craving for some comfort food. First it was macaroni and cheese (easy enough for me to make). Then it was mashed potatoes and gravy (easy enough to pick up at Boston Market). Yesterday it was beef stroganoff.
I waited until today, but the craving was still there. I decided to make the stroganoff rather than going to Noodles, simply so I'd have some leftovers. Mike and I ran out to Byerly's to pick up the ingredients. We had no trouble finding any of them except the beef tenderloin. I couldn't find it in the case, so finally I asked the butcher, who led me to the fresh (not pre-packaged) meat area. As we were walking, he asked how much I wanted. By the time I saw the price per pound, he had already started slicing the meat for me. I nearly had a heart attack. I literally haven't bought beef in about a year (since Mike went veg) so I had no idea how much good tenderloin costs.
That's right. Twenty five dollars per pound. Holy crap.
But you can be sure it made the best darn stroganoff I've ever tasted in my life!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Week 7: Blueberry
Baby's now the size of a blueberry!
Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about one hundred new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Easing The Anxiety Of Pregnancy After Miscarriage
An old article, but it validates my feelings!
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/04/050416100616.htm
For some pregnant women, however, feeling joy is a psychological luxury they can't afford. These are women who after one, sometimes many, miscarriages, stillbirths or newborn deaths, are pregnant again.
To protect themselves from another potential crushing emotional blow, it is easier to think of their pregnancy as an impersonal biological condition. They are not, in fact, "expecting a baby." There are no joyous baby showers. Mainly there is anxiety.
Denise Côté-Arsenault, Ph.D., an associate professor in the University at Buffalo School of Nursing, is one of the few researchers to study the field of pregnancy after perinatal loss. She uses the metaphor "One Foot In -- One Foot Out" to characterize the state of being for these women.
" 'One Foot In -- One Foot Out' describes women's sense that the pregnancy is uncertain, so they steel themselves emotionally by acknowledging that the pregnancy may not end with the birth of a live baby," says Côté-Arsenault. "They cushion themselves against attaching to the new baby.
"For most of these women, carefree enjoyment of a pregnancy is not possible. Instead, it is a balancing act between trying to insure safe passage of the baby while maintaining emotional stability."
A nurse specializing in the care of childbearing families, Côté-Arsenault is the first to develop a pregnancy anxiety scale that can be used to determine if a woman in this situation could benefit from extra emotional support.
"When a woman becomes pregnant after a loss, that pregnancy is a very different experience," says Cote-Arsenault, "but the care she receives isn't necessarily different. These women are in a very different place. Most are emotionally guarded. Many experience high anxiety and stress. There is a loss of innocence and a sense of skepticism."
Studies by other researchers have shown that experiences such as this can influence the obstetrical outcome and can have a negative impact on mother-child bonding and parenting.
When she decided to pursue a doctorate and teach in academia, Côté-Arsenault chose the topic of pregnancy after perinatal loss for her doctoral thesis. She was shocked by the lack of sensitivity among care givers to the issue of miscarriage as a maternity nurse in the '80s and the topic became her passion. To her astonishment, she found only five studies on the subject. That was in 1994. Since then she has contributed more than twice that number to the field.
Her investigations have involved both data from questionnaires and deeply emotional reflections of women who are pregnant again after an unsuccessful pregnancy and who participated in focus groups. One of her studies recounts a poignant episode told by a woman who had a miscarriage at 19 weeks and now was pregnant again.
"Second time, I didn't have nearly the vivid pictures of what this baby was going to be like…I knew that I was pregnant, but I didn't think that I was going to have a baby. Six weeks before the due date someone sent me a baby present and I said, 'They think I'm having a baby.' And my husband said 'I think you are, too.' I started crying because I hadn't let myself think that at all."
Côté-Arsenault's research addresses several concerns: the primary emotions experienced by these women; the degree of personhood assigned by the mother to a lost fetus; the amount of anxiety experienced in a current pregnancy; the impact of fetal loss on the woman's concept of self, and the role of support groups in helping women through a pregnancy after a loss.
One of her studies, published in 2003 in the Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic and Neonatal Nursing, on the influence of perinatal loss on anxiety in women with more than one pregnancy -- those with and without a previous loss -- provided novel insight into the emotional states of the two groups. The results showed that women in both groups were equally optimistic and had similar outlooks on life, but women in the perinatal-loss group had higher pregnancy anxiety.
"It's important to measure pregnancy anxiety, not simply generalized anxiety," said Côté-Arsenault, "because generalized measures don't address the specific concerns of women in pregnancy.
Having other living children did not result in lower pregnancy anxiety, results showed, nor did gestational age at the time of the loss. "In this sample, losses were primarily in the first trimester, while most of the women in the loss group were past that point in their current pregnancy," said Côté-Arsenault. "But, the loss group still had higher anxiety.
"This contradicts the common assumptions that a first-trimester miscarriage isn't significant or important, and that once women get past the point when their miscarriage occurred, everything is fine."
Since these findings were limited by the study's snapshot" design -- measuring anxiety at one point in the pregnancy -- Côté-Arsenault is following 82 women with a prior loss throughout their current pregnancies. The women are keeping pregnancy calendars to record their emotional ups and downs during their pregnancies and are completing questionnaires at three points across their pregnancies, once in each trimester.
Côté-Arsenault is interested particularly in the women's emotional states at various times, appraisal of the threat to their pregnancy and how they are coping with the pregnancy.
"The knowledge gained from this study will help clinicians in the future know when women who are pregnant after losing a baby might need emotional support the most, and what kind of support will be most helpful," she said.
At the very least, women should be asked key questions that would invite them to talk about any concerns they may be harboring, she noted. "Key questions to be asked would be: 'Are you anxious or worried about this pregnancy?' 'Are you worried about bringing this pregnancy to term?' 'What do you feel you lost in past pregnancies?' 'Are you expecting the worst to happen in this pregnancy?'"
In Japan, acknowledging a miscarriage or stillbirth is ingrained in the culture, said Côté-Arsenault. There are gardens of baby statues, where mothers who have lost babies can place a tiny knit cap on a statue and mourn publicly.
"It would be wonderful if pregnancy losses were acknowledged openly in our culture too," she said, "but at least hospitals in this country have gotten better about helping women acknowledge a lost baby," noted Côté -Arsenault. "When a baby dies, giving the mother the baby's photo, footprints and handprints is much more routine. We have made progress. Now we need to recognize the impact of perinatal loss on subsequent pregnancies."
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/04/050416100616.htm
Easing The Anxiety Of Pregnancy After Miscarriage
ScienceDaily (Apr. 16, 2005) — BUFFALO, N.Y. -- Pregnancy for most women means joyous anticipation of the birth of a baby, day-dreaming about the child, preparing the nursery, accepting congratulations from friends.
To protect themselves from another potential crushing emotional blow, it is easier to think of their pregnancy as an impersonal biological condition. They are not, in fact, "expecting a baby." There are no joyous baby showers. Mainly there is anxiety.
Denise Côté-Arsenault, Ph.D., an associate professor in the University at Buffalo School of Nursing, is one of the few researchers to study the field of pregnancy after perinatal loss. She uses the metaphor "One Foot In -- One Foot Out" to characterize the state of being for these women.
" 'One Foot In -- One Foot Out' describes women's sense that the pregnancy is uncertain, so they steel themselves emotionally by acknowledging that the pregnancy may not end with the birth of a live baby," says Côté-Arsenault. "They cushion themselves against attaching to the new baby.
"For most of these women, carefree enjoyment of a pregnancy is not possible. Instead, it is a balancing act between trying to insure safe passage of the baby while maintaining emotional stability."
A nurse specializing in the care of childbearing families, Côté-Arsenault is the first to develop a pregnancy anxiety scale that can be used to determine if a woman in this situation could benefit from extra emotional support.
"When a woman becomes pregnant after a loss, that pregnancy is a very different experience," says Cote-Arsenault, "but the care she receives isn't necessarily different. These women are in a very different place. Most are emotionally guarded. Many experience high anxiety and stress. There is a loss of innocence and a sense of skepticism."
Studies by other researchers have shown that experiences such as this can influence the obstetrical outcome and can have a negative impact on mother-child bonding and parenting.
When she decided to pursue a doctorate and teach in academia, Côté-Arsenault chose the topic of pregnancy after perinatal loss for her doctoral thesis. She was shocked by the lack of sensitivity among care givers to the issue of miscarriage as a maternity nurse in the '80s and the topic became her passion. To her astonishment, she found only five studies on the subject. That was in 1994. Since then she has contributed more than twice that number to the field.
Her investigations have involved both data from questionnaires and deeply emotional reflections of women who are pregnant again after an unsuccessful pregnancy and who participated in focus groups. One of her studies recounts a poignant episode told by a woman who had a miscarriage at 19 weeks and now was pregnant again.
"Second time, I didn't have nearly the vivid pictures of what this baby was going to be like…I knew that I was pregnant, but I didn't think that I was going to have a baby. Six weeks before the due date someone sent me a baby present and I said, 'They think I'm having a baby.' And my husband said 'I think you are, too.' I started crying because I hadn't let myself think that at all."
Côté-Arsenault's research addresses several concerns: the primary emotions experienced by these women; the degree of personhood assigned by the mother to a lost fetus; the amount of anxiety experienced in a current pregnancy; the impact of fetal loss on the woman's concept of self, and the role of support groups in helping women through a pregnancy after a loss.
One of her studies, published in 2003 in the Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic and Neonatal Nursing, on the influence of perinatal loss on anxiety in women with more than one pregnancy -- those with and without a previous loss -- provided novel insight into the emotional states of the two groups. The results showed that women in both groups were equally optimistic and had similar outlooks on life, but women in the perinatal-loss group had higher pregnancy anxiety.
"It's important to measure pregnancy anxiety, not simply generalized anxiety," said Côté-Arsenault, "because generalized measures don't address the specific concerns of women in pregnancy.
Having other living children did not result in lower pregnancy anxiety, results showed, nor did gestational age at the time of the loss. "In this sample, losses were primarily in the first trimester, while most of the women in the loss group were past that point in their current pregnancy," said Côté-Arsenault. "But, the loss group still had higher anxiety.
"This contradicts the common assumptions that a first-trimester miscarriage isn't significant or important, and that once women get past the point when their miscarriage occurred, everything is fine."
Since these findings were limited by the study's snapshot" design -- measuring anxiety at one point in the pregnancy -- Côté-Arsenault is following 82 women with a prior loss throughout their current pregnancies. The women are keeping pregnancy calendars to record their emotional ups and downs during their pregnancies and are completing questionnaires at three points across their pregnancies, once in each trimester.
Côté-Arsenault is interested particularly in the women's emotional states at various times, appraisal of the threat to their pregnancy and how they are coping with the pregnancy.
"The knowledge gained from this study will help clinicians in the future know when women who are pregnant after losing a baby might need emotional support the most, and what kind of support will be most helpful," she said.
At the very least, women should be asked key questions that would invite them to talk about any concerns they may be harboring, she noted. "Key questions to be asked would be: 'Are you anxious or worried about this pregnancy?' 'Are you worried about bringing this pregnancy to term?' 'What do you feel you lost in past pregnancies?' 'Are you expecting the worst to happen in this pregnancy?'"
In Japan, acknowledging a miscarriage or stillbirth is ingrained in the culture, said Côté-Arsenault. There are gardens of baby statues, where mothers who have lost babies can place a tiny knit cap on a statue and mourn publicly.
"It would be wonderful if pregnancy losses were acknowledged openly in our culture too," she said, "but at least hospitals in this country have gotten better about helping women acknowledge a lost baby," noted Côté -Arsenault. "When a baby dies, giving the mother the baby's photo, footprints and handprints is much more routine. We have made progress. Now we need to recognize the impact of perinatal loss on subsequent pregnancies."
feeling resigned
I realized a couple days ago that I've been feeling pretty resigned. I've been pregnant before, and every time it's been a few weeks of excitement followed by extreme disappointment. Even though I have no reason to think things aren't going well this time, it's almost like my mind is telling me "you've had your fun, but now it's time to say goodbye to this experience, because that's what happens with pregnancy." How sad that I have to miss out on the 40 weeks of excitement and anticipation that other women get to experience! I hope that we can just get past the next few weeks...if we can make it to the second trimester, maybe then I'll get my excitement back again.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
spotting
I'm getting so tired of waiting! It feels like September 9th and 19th will never get here. I know nothing is ever guaranteed, but it will mean a lot to (hopefully) get well past 8 weeks.
The last week or so has been especially difficult because I've had spotting (very little, very intermittent, and very brown - but spotting nonetheless) since I woke up on Sunday morning. This never happened during the first pregnancy/miscarriage, but it happened off and on for about two weeks during the second. I'm trying really hard not to freak out, because of course my first thought is that blood must be bad, especially since it happened during our second pregnancy/miscarriage. Mike made a good point that my body was doing the right thing last time and we know we only lost that baby because of a fluke genetic abnormality. So maybe this (spotting) is just what my body does when things are going well???
I called my doctor's office (the RE) on Monday morning just to be sure and I spoke to the nicest nurse ever. She reassured me that spotting happens in 20-40% of healthy, full-term pregnancies, and that over 50% of women with spotting go on to have a healthy, full-term pregnancy. I told her Mike's theory and she thought that was totally reasonable, which is reassuring. Nevertheless, she offered to let me come in and retest my hcg levels and/or have another u/s, but she pointed out that doing either of these options wouldn't change anything - this pregnancy is either going to take or it isn't, and there really isn't anything I can do about it at this point. So I opted not to go in (unless things get worse, which thankfully they haven't), and now we're just continuing to wait for our next scheduled u/s on Sept 9.
I really want this pregnancy to stick.
The last week or so has been especially difficult because I've had spotting (very little, very intermittent, and very brown - but spotting nonetheless) since I woke up on Sunday morning. This never happened during the first pregnancy/miscarriage, but it happened off and on for about two weeks during the second. I'm trying really hard not to freak out, because of course my first thought is that blood must be bad, especially since it happened during our second pregnancy/miscarriage. Mike made a good point that my body was doing the right thing last time and we know we only lost that baby because of a fluke genetic abnormality. So maybe this (spotting) is just what my body does when things are going well???
I called my doctor's office (the RE) on Monday morning just to be sure and I spoke to the nicest nurse ever. She reassured me that spotting happens in 20-40% of healthy, full-term pregnancies, and that over 50% of women with spotting go on to have a healthy, full-term pregnancy. I told her Mike's theory and she thought that was totally reasonable, which is reassuring. Nevertheless, she offered to let me come in and retest my hcg levels and/or have another u/s, but she pointed out that doing either of these options wouldn't change anything - this pregnancy is either going to take or it isn't, and there really isn't anything I can do about it at this point. So I opted not to go in (unless things get worse, which thankfully they haven't), and now we're just continuing to wait for our next scheduled u/s on Sept 9.
I really want this pregnancy to stick.
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