You Know You're Sick When...

You Know You're Sick When...
1. Your naps are longer than your 7-month-old daughter's.
2. A popsicle can fill you up.
3. You finish off an entire box of kleenex in less than 24 hours.
4. Your daughter is close to 33 weeks old and you still haven't posted her 32-week portraits!

Eek!  Sorry!


Here she is (finally!) at 32 weeks old (these were taken last Sunday):

And here are a few shots of Rose eating. She is has recently decided that she only wants to feed herself, so she basically just gets table foods that are chopped up into small pieces. She loves it, and it's so much fun to watch her experience the new tastes. My favorite part is the funny faces she makes for the first few bites of anything, even her old standbys (like guacamole - her favorite!).

Lo Mein and Fried Rice

Scrambled eggs and Cheerios

Fajitas (with guacamole, of course!)

Incidentally, it's Rose's maternal grandfather's 60th birthday today! Happy birthday to her Pop Pop!!

Have a great rest of the week, everyone! I'm off to bed yet again...

misc. photos

In order to make up for yesterday's post which included no photos of Rose, here are two pictures from this morning!

Smoothie and Cheerios: breakfast of champions!

Face off!

(I think it's clear from these photos that we need to start moving Rose out of her 9-month clothing and into her 12-month clothing! Look at those long legs!)

tooth #3!

Rose had a third tooth pop through today! All four of her top teeth have been looking like they're ready to break through for well over a month, and finally today we felt a little bit of sharp tooth on top! (No photo, sorry.)  Interestingly, her "lower central incisors" (look at me, sounding like a dentist!) came through at only 20 weeks / 4.5 months. According to Dr. Google, it looks like the "upper central incisors" typically come next, but this third tooth is actually an "upper lateral incisor."  I guess Rose just likes to keep us guessing!

A River in Egypt

It's been a rough few weeks in the Burcusa household. I've already caught you up to speed on the physical illnesses that have been taking a toll on our family - particularly poor Rose with her double ear infections! (The good news is that her medicines are working, but the bad news is that giving her medicine is terribly traumatic for all involved, as she clenches her jaw and cries through pursed lips!)

What I haven't yet told you about is the emotional experiences that we've been dealing with. Mike's story is not mine to tell, so I'll just say that he's been coping with a lot of stress at school.   Meanwhile, I've been coping with a lot of stress at work.

You probably already know that I crave routine, consistency, and predictability. Apparently the universe is trying to give me a lesson (or two!)  in flexibility and adaptability, because the only thing that doesn't change at the Emily Program is that it's constantly changing! In the past three years I've gotten better about coping with the on-going evolution of the business, but one thing that continually stresses me out is "structural re-organization." Ugh. I shudder just thinking about the word "re-org," perhaps because I was laid off from my last job due to "structural re-organization." We just had a re-org about six months ago (which turned out to be totally fine in the end, since I got promoted and all), and now we're going through another one already. The details won't be announced until our staff meeting next week, so of course that stresses me out. I've been told that I don't need to worry at all about the possibility of losing my job (whew!), but I can't help but worry about how the changes will shake out and affect my role. I guess the universe is still trying to teach me flexibility. Sigh.

And as if that wasn't enough to deal with, now I'm waiting to find out more about my boss's health. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about two years ago, and she underwent radiation, chemo, a double mastectomy, reconstructive surgeries, and multiple procedures to address various complications she had along the way. Almost a year ago she had gotten as clean of a bill of health as one can possibly get post-cancer, but last Tuesday she was told that her bloodwork looked suspicious so she had to go in the next day (i.e., the day before Thanksgiving) for a PET scan. The scan apparently found suspicious spots on her spine and on her liver, so she was scheduled for a biopsy first thing Monday morning. (Part of me is relieved that things are moving so quickly for her, but part of me is also worried by the speed at which her doctors are performing these procedures, because I can't help but think that means it's potentially very bad news.) I keep compulsively checking her Caring Bridge site, but she either hasn't gotten her biopsy results back yet or she's not ready to share the results.

Fucking cancer. I'm so sick of it affecting people I know and love. It's not fair! Bad things shouldn't happen to good people.

For the most part I've been operating in total denial. It's kind of been interesting to observe that process in myself because I don't typically operate that way. (Usually I intellectualize instead.) I don't know why it's so fascinating to me, but it's like I have a new-found respect for the true Freudian defense mechanism of denial.  (See? I'm already intellectualizing my awareness that I'm using denial! Apparently my psyche is willing to do anything to avoid feeling the utter terror of metastatic breast cancer.)

The stress has also been a reminder of my on-going goal to be more present, mindful and appreciative in my own life. I'm getting better at it overall, but some days are certainly better than others. It's hard to slow down and appreciate each moment for what it is. In some ways Rose pulls me out of the present (hurry up and eat so I can wash the dishes before your bath!), but in most ways she is a wonderful reminder of what's truly important to me (her! Mike! family! relationships!).    In addition to my new-found respect for denial, I also have a new-found respect for the overwhelming love I feel for Rose. I had always heard about how the strength of the parent-child bond (the I'd-jump-in-front-of-a-bus-for-you kind of love), but now I have a new appreciation of just how deep those emotions are. I wish I could put into words the depth of the love I feel for her. She's so amazing!

Here she is, my pride and joy:

She's still not eating a lot because she's sick, but she did have a little taste of pizza tonight. That's my girl! ;)

31 weeks!

Oy vey! Was it only a week ago that I said we were all recovering from the stomach flu? Well, apparently I spoke typed too soon, because the next day Rose came down with a cough. A pretty bad cough which eventually led her to lose her voice! Yet she still seemed mostly healthy so we still took off for Appleton on Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving). But by the time we arrived she had a raging fever! Poor baby Rose! It was torture to hear her coughing and whimpering, and to know that there was basically nothing I could do other than give her ibuprofen and lots and lots of love. We kept her dosed up with Tylenol whenever she seemed warm for the next several days, but she's such a good-natured baby that we kept thinking she was on the mend. ("Fussy" for Rose is still pretty happy!) Well, today we found out that she's been fighting off a double ear infection!!! No wonder she's been "fussy," particularly about laying down to sleep. Poor girl! So when you see her in the pictures below, just remember that she was fighting a pretty yucky infection. She's such a trooper!



Thanksgiving 2012

My parents hosted 18 people for dinner! It was so great to see my extended family, but (as always) the time went by way too quickly!

Waiting for Turkey!

Our head chef, putting the finishing touches on a delicious meal!

Quality time with Great Gramma

Little Miss was not impressed! (I think her taste buds have been affected by the illness.)

 On Friday we took Rose for her first "pilgrimage" to Lambeau!!!

Mmmm...butter burgers at Kroll's!

On Friday night my parents watched Rose while Mike and I went out to see Skyfall, the new Bond movie. It was soooo much fun! We hadn't seen a movie in the theatre since we saw The Descendents on Devember 9, 2011 (the day of our 20-week ultrasound). What a treat!

On Saturday we just lounged around - Rose still wasn't feeling well, I was tired, and Mike had contracted Rose's illness. It was great to get some rest!  That morning, Romina also introduced us to Skype. Rose seemed to love it!

 

She also loved all the quality time she got with her grandparents.  :)

Dancing with Ninja!

"I don't want tummy time. I want to stand!"

"Ahhh...much better!"

 Rose also got an early Christmas present from her great aunt Dolly and great uncle Peter. She loves it!

 

 She's now officially 7 months old!

In other news, thanks for all the support after my last (venting) post. I feel so much better about my decision to cut down to nursing "only" twice per day. It was such a treat to leave Bertha at home this morning!!! Thanks for not judging me as harshly as I tend to judge myself. :)

Have a great week, everyone!

30 weeks!

We seem to have finally recovered from the nasty stomach flu that we all contracted, and now Rose and I are just fighting a run-of-the-mill cold of some sort. Everyone tells me that the payoff after the first year of daycare is that you and your kids are basically never sick ever again, and I really hope this piece of parenting lore is true!

I think part of the reason that I've been so susceptible to things is that I've been continuing to stress about nursing. I never thought I'd say it, but I had actually come to enjoy feeding Rose (at least most of the time). For that most part it's super convenient, and I like that it's free (after the exorbitant sum we paid for her special bottles and nipples). And she so clearly seems to enjoy and thrive on milk, so the thought of giving it up truly saddens me. But at the same time, I feel like Bertha the breastpump not only sucks the milk out of me, but she also sucks out a part of my soul. I feel like I'm dying inside. I truly despise lugging Bertha back and forth to work every day, I'm really starting to resent the amount of time that it takes to pump and wash all the parts, and I also get frustrated that the vast majority of the feeding responsibility falls on my shoulders. I've come to the point that I basically hate it, and I also hate that I hate it. How can I be so selfish? Don't I want to help Rose be as happy and healthy as she can possibly be? What kind of mother am I?

Before Rose was born, I really wanted to make it to one year with exclusive breastfeeding. Immediately after she was born, I just wanted to make it through the next feeding! But after about six weeks we hit our stride and I was back to long-term breastfeeding plans. It wasn't too bad after I first got back to work, but as the weeks have worn on I've become increasingly frustrated and resentful - and have been feeling increasing guilt for even feeling such things. (How about some secondary judgment to really lay on the misery!?!) I bought myself some time a few weeks ago when I decided to cut down from pumping twice a day at work (for a total of 3x/day) to only once per workday, but even that isn't enough any more. I've been saying for months now that I'm just taking it week by week, or day by day, or feeding by feeding, and now I've come to realize that I have to stop now if I'm going to keep my sanity. I've reached my breaking point.

I literally broke down with Mike yesterday, and he was incredibly supportive. I don't think he truly understands what a difficult decision this has been for me, but he knows how it's been tearing me up inside and he's a wonderful partner when I'm struggling. Man, I just hate that I feel so guilty about this! I know it's the right decision, but it's so hard not to beat myself up about it.

And even though I'm at my breaking point, I'm still not ready to give it up completely. (Because I want to continue or because I'm a glutton for punishment? I really don't know, and quite frankly I'm not willing to investigate that corner of my psyche tonight when I'm already feeling so raw.) So starting the week after Thanksgiving, I'm going to breastfeed Rose just in the morning and the evening, and Bertha the breastpump will stay at home. The plus side to this plan is self-evident, but the potential drawback is that I'll still have to pump on the four mornings per week that I leave the house before Rose wakes up. And the really big potential drawback is that my milk might dry up completely; we'll just have to wait and see.

So there you have it.  I'm publicly admitting defeat. I've waving the white flag to surrender. I'm so sorry, Rose. I hope one day you can understand that I had to make this decision because I love you and want to be there for you, as paradoxical as that might seem.

Here's my beautiful girl. Let's hope she can adapt quickly after the rug gets pulled out from underneath her in a week.

29 weeks

Saturday:
Remember how excited I was in my last post on Thursday? Well, that excitement was quickly felled by the stomach virus that hit our entire family on Friday morning. Rose had been crabby and not eating well all week, but we just attributed it to the time change. So we still sent her to school on Friday morning while Mike and I each called in sick to work. He took over the bed in Rose's room and I laid claim to our bed (don't I have a great husband?!). Our day consisted of long naps alternating with hurried trips to the bathroom. Blech. In addition to our GI symptoms, I also had a fever and was getting chills and hot flashes all day. It was miserable! By the time 3:30 rolled around and it was time to pick up Rose at school, we both felt like we had been hit by trains. Mike picked up Rose (doesn't she have a great dad?!) and found out that a stomach virus had hit the school hard. In fact, there were only five toddlers in attendance because the rest of them had called in sick with the exact same symptoms we were experiencing! Rose continued to be crabby all evening, even with her Grandma who had stopped by after work to help us out (don't we have great family?!), but we still didn't think she had the same illness we had... until it was time to put her to bed. As I was sitting in her quiet room nursing her, suddenly I heard her stomach gurgling and she vomited all over me! Now, this girl knows how to spit up, but this was no "spit up." This was projectile vomiting of massive proportions. Poor girl!! We got her all changed into fresh pajamas and cleaned up the mess, and then she immediately fell asleep. Given how little she'd eaten all day, I totally caved when she woke up crying at 1am. But now I'm praying that she sleeps through the night tonight (since all she did was eat and sleep all day - I think she's still recovering) because I don't want to have to go through the trauma (for me) of sleep training again! Fingers crossed...

Sunday: 
No luck. Rose woke up crying for over an hour, despite Mike's "longer and longer" reassurances (i.e., "We love you, Rose. But it's night time. Time for sleep. See you in the morning!") Poor sleep coupled with lingering GI symptoms made for a pretty miserable day. After we took Rose's 29-week portraits, we hung out at Mike's mom and stepdad's house all day, watching TV, playing with Rose, and eating very small amounts of Mary's delicious food.

"Look at me! I'm almost 7 months old!"

At one point Rose was so tired that she even took a nap on the floor mattress and not in my arms!

(Let's not talk about all the sleep dangers in this picture, okay?)

Monday:
Once again we had a night-time waker. Mike was already sleeping on the couch due to his horrible GI symptoms and he took the monitor with him, but I could hear Little Miss's cries for about an hour straight. She had done nothing but eat all day on Sunday so I was pretty convinced that she wasn't actually hungry. I was glad Mike was giving his "longer and longer" reassurances, because otherwise I was sure that Rose would think we had abandoned her and hated her. Mike and I both woke up exhausted and with continued GI distress. I'm scraping the bottom of the PTO bank, so I decided to try to go in to work anyway. Let's just say it was a rough day.

Tuesday:
Another hour of over-night crying. I seriously am starting to feel like the worst mother ever! It also didn't help that Mike and I had apparently not communicated well about the nuances of our sleep training plan and ended up arguing about it at 2am - that was supposed to be the point of having a plan, so we wouldn't have to have any discussions about it in the middle of the night! Oh well. We figured it out after we woke up this morning, so now we're prepared for tonight. On the up side, Mike says he's feeling much better and I'm feeling somewhat better (mostly just exhausted). Let's hope this is the end of the sickness for all three of us!