today it hit me

After I left work today, I felt near tears as I was driving home. I couldn't identify any sort of immediate cause - I'm excited about our move, I hadn't had any particularly difficult patient sessions today, Mike and Rose are happy and well, etc.  So I simply turned my radio off and allowed my thoughts to wander. As I felt the waves of sadness wash over me, I realize that I'm mourning. Deeply mourning.

I'm mourning the loss of civility in our country. Trump's election hit me particularly hard, and I've been struggling with how someone could possibly think, say and do such hateful things. From mocking the disabled, to bragging about assaulting women, to vilifying all followers of a particular religion, and on and on and on. Politics has never been pretty, and there has always been a vast divide between the beliefs of those on the right and on the left. I can disagree vehemently with someone like John McCain, but I can also have utmost respect for his convictions and his lifetime of public service in pursuit of what he believes will bring betterment to the lives of most Americans. You see, our country used to have a foundation of respect for each other and civility in public discourse. We used to be able to disagree on the particulars, but agree that we have a common goal of improving America. With Trump in office, however, we have become a nation of shameless bullies, where hateful intolerance is de rigueur. I find Trump to be completely vacuous, and I fear for our country as it is being guided by someone seemingly bereft of any sort of guiding principles. As a nation we seem to be losing our moral compass and have abandoned the bedrock of civility that has previously bound our disparate ideals.

I'm mourning the police violence in our country. How many unarmed Black men have been shot and killed for doing nothing more threatening than peacefully walking down the street?? Black Lives Matter!! And now there is even more brutality from the Minneapolis police department: an officer shot two dogs in a fenced backyard (which cameras show were clearly not acting in any sort of threatening manner), and a woman was shot and killed after calling 911 to report a possible assault in her alley. All of these are devastating. Any loss of innocent life is a tragedy. How much more will it take before there is meaningful change? I still believe that nearly all police officers are good, hard-working, and caring individuals. But the militarization of our police force is having devastating consequences when paired with our nation's implicit biases regarding race. I don't know how to talk to my 5-year-old daughter about these things - how do I tell her about these things, but also tell her to call police if she is ever in danger, to trust the police, that police will protect her?  We need to undo the culture of "shoot first, ask questions later." We need to increase empathy, not only in the police department but also across our culture. We need to promote de-escalation and communication, rather than brinkmanship followed by the inevitable use of such deadly force.

And I'm mourning the loss of my voice. I've always been someone with strong opinions, and someone who is willing to stand up for the little guy. My convictions run deep, and I pride myself on being able to speak up appropriately when I see injustice in the world. Or at least that's how I used to be. I had no idea that working at the VA would cause me to feel so silenced. Part of this is due to the Hatch Act, which is the law that prohibits certain federal employees from engaging in certain political activity. Part is this is also due to how that Hatch Act has been interpreted by leadership at my particular VA. And part of this is due to horrendous bullying I experienced from a former coworker. The result is that I feel unable to take a public stance in anything that might be remotely "political," and I feel silenced. Not that I would foist my politic beliefs on a patient in a therapy session, but I would love to be able to speak freely with friends (outside of work hours) about my convictions, without fear that I'm breaking the law or being interpersonally commandeering (as the aforementioned coworker bully accused me of).   If it weren't for this perfect storm, I could see myself creating something like Indivisible or Citizen Therapists.  But at this point I would settle for not being AFRAID to JUST SHOW UP for the Women's March or the March for Science! And thus I mourn the loss of my belief that it is OKAY for me to have an opinion, that it is OKAY for me to share that opinion in public, and that I can TRUST myself to share those opinions when, how, and with whom it is appropriate.

By the time I got home I was pretty much cried out. I hadn't realized that I had been feeling so raw, or that these things had been affecting me so deeply. I pray that I will get my voice back (tonight's blog post is a start), that I can help promote change by modeling civil discourse in my own writing, and that I can use my newly reclaimed voice to stand up for the things I can about (like ending racism and senseless violence).

Minnesota Bucket List

About a month or two ago, I started keeping a record of all the last-minute things I wanted to make sure to do before we move to Montana. Things that we never got around to (but always meant to do), or things that we wanted to do one last time:


To do:
MN Zoo
Children's museum
Stillwater
Parktacular parade
SLP pool
Splash pad
Canterbury park
Glensheen
Sculpture Garden
another Twins game


To eat:
Parkway Pizza
Giordanos
Pig ate my pizza
one last Jucy Lucy
Town Hall Station
Revival
Taste of India
Shake shack


(I'm sure we'll get the opportunity to eat out a lot after our house is packed up and the movers have picked up all our stuff!)




Anything else we're missing?

photo explosion

Now that our house is under contract (hallelujah!!!!), we have a little more time to relax. Here's my long overdo blog post on the highlights of the last month or so.




We now have a dog! Introducing Doug the dog, aka the Magnificent Douglass Fir.

He and cat Bart and getting along pretty well so far.

Father's Day was filled with relaxing, eating delicious food, and playing with our pets.

Rose and I made a trip down to Northfield, which was so much fun for both of us. Part of me hopes she goes to Carleton (the friends! the education! the memories), but another part of me hopes she doesn't (the money!).

We've lived in our town for 14 years, but only now got to the local summer parade. It was so much fun!

We also went to see The Dweebs in concert a couple weekends ago. Totally awesome!!!

The cat likes to taunt the dog, then attack:

When Mike was in Montana for the inspection of our new house, the pets and I lounged about a lot. So relaxing!

We had a fluke hail storm a couple weekends ago.

How long until Doug outgrows this bed??

Rose graduated from preschool!!!!

My favorite photo of Doug and Bart:

My other favorite photo of the two of them:

5yo "well child" appt

Better late than never! We have been so busy with prepping our house for the market that I haven't had much time to breathe, much less blog. But Rose's last medical appointment went well, and she also had a fabulous birthday party!

Two months
weight:  12# 6.4 oz (85th %ile)
height:   23.5"  (86th %ile)
head:    15.5" (66th %ile)

Four months
weight:  15# 10oz (86th %ile)
height:   26"  (95th %ile)
head:    16.75"  (85th %ile)

Six months
weight:  17# 7oz (78th %ile)
height:   27.25"  (93rd %ile)
head:    17"   (72nd %ile)

Nine months
weight:  19# 9.6oz (65th %ile)
height:   28.75"  (87th %ile)
head:    17.5"   (66th %ile)

Twelve months
weight:  20# 9.6oz (61th %ile)
height:   30.5"  (89th %ile)
head:    17.75"   (55th %ile)

Fifteen months
weight:  23# (70th %ile)
height:   32.25"  (91st %ile)
head:    18.25"   (67th %ile)

Eighteen months
weight:  24# 9.6oz (72nd %ile)
height:   2'10" (98th %ile!)
head:    18.5" (68th %ile)

Twenty four months 
weight:  27# 12.8oz (66th %ile)
height:   2'0.25"  (98th %ile)
head:    19"  (72nd %ile)

Thirty months
weight:  31# 6.4oz (80th %ile)
height:   3'3.25" (99th %ile!)
head:     19.5" (83rd %ile)

Three years
weight: 32# 12oz (71%ile)
height: 3'3.75" (96%ile)
BP: 86/50 

Four years
weight: 38# 3oz (74%ile)
height: 3'7.75" (99%ile)
BP: 88/52 

Five years
weight: 43# 12oz (74%ile)
height: 3'10.5" (98%ile)
BP: 94/50 

annual birthday questions

Rose is 5!! (2017)

Favorite color:  all of the colors in the rainbow except orange and red
Favorite toy/game:  dragon Legos
Favorite food:  mac and cheese
Favorite drink:  chocolate milk
Favorite movie:  Finding Nemo and Finding Dory
Favorite TV show:   My Little Pony
Favorite song:  Twinkle Twinkle
Favorite book:  My Little Pony (the Pinkie Pie one)
Favorite outfit:  sparkly things
Best friend:  Eden
Favorite holiday:  my birthday
What I take to bed each night:  a stuffed animal like Rainbow Dash
When I grow up, I want to be:  a junior ranger
I'm afraid to: nothing!
I'm proud of:  myself!
Something I do really well:  Legos
This makes me happy:  doing Legos
This makes me sad:  when it's nap time
Favorite time of day:  lunch time
Dream vacation:  Disney World
Favorite thing to do with Mommy: cuddle
Favorite thing to do with Daddy:  play Legos

(age 4 -2016)
(age 3 - 2015)

April updates

This month has been a whirlwind! Partially because I was sick for a week, then on vacation for a week. But mostly because we are moving!!!!!!! I have officially accepted a position in Great Falls, MT, and we will be relocating in August. As a result, we have been busy decluttering, cleaning, painting, interviewing realtors, and just generally freaking out. :)

If you want to follow along with my Montana-related ramblings, I started another blog:  http://midlifemovetomontana.blogspot.com  (I've been numbering the posts there so they'll be easier to read in order.)

But this blog will still be devoted to family stuff... like Rose's birthday today!!!! Can you believe she's 5 already? We let her choose everything we did today, and she opted to:
-sleep in ridiculously late
-open her presents immediately upon waking
-eat both pancakes and cereal for breakfast
-go to the MN Zoo to search for a white tiger (no luck)
-eat at Noodles for mac&cheese for lunch
-play with her new Lego set after nap
-go to Noodles to get mac&cheese for dinner as well (!!!!)
-eat a piece of chocolate layer cake with chocolate frosting (decorated with chocolate chips and sprinkles)

She knows how to have a great day!!

She is such a delight! I can't imagine a better kid. She is a joy to be around, and I love her more and more every day. Can't wait to see what the coming year brings for all of us!

Bart's new favorite place to sleep

Great at 8pm, not so much at 3am!