forgiveness?

I've been crying all day. I know I need to forgive myself, but it's so hard when what happened was my fault! I know it was an accident, but I also know that I could have - should have! - done things differently.


My parents and grandparents came to town last night. We had a lovely dinner at Pizza Luce, then came home to put Rose to bed. We sat out on our new front patio and chatted for a few hours, until it got too dark and bug-y to stay out any longer. We ended with a plan to bring breakfast to their hotel this morning around 8 or so.

Rose surprised us by waking early at 5:30. Since she was so grumpy, we decided to do our grocery shopping in the morning before breakfast. (She loves sitting in the car carts at Byerly's!) Mike and I were both tired and ended up bickering a few times at the grocery store and after we returned home. I went into the kitchen to cut up the breakfast fruits, while Mike worked on packing up our swimsuits for the hotel pool. Rose was happily entertaining herself in the living room, then she came into the kitchen to play with the measuring cups. I said hi then turned to continue washing the dishes, and suddenly I heard a crash and screams.

Rose had pushed in the hidden cutting board, which knocked down my hot tea (that I had just poured) directly onto her face and torso.

I screamed for Mike. He rushed her into the bathroom to pour cool water on her, while I hurried to confirm that that was the correct first aid. Rose continued to scream, and I couldn't tell if it was from the shock, from pain, or from anger at being doused in cold water.

Then we took off her shirt and saw a huge patch of blistered/broken skin on her collarbone. I immediately knew: we were hospital bound.

We hurried there, with me yelling at Mike to drive carefully, because we couldn't strap her in tightly else the carseat's belt would dig into her open wound. As soon as we arrived, the medical staff rushed us in. Rose started screaming louder and louder, clearly remembering the trauma of our last visit to the ER only a week ago.  It took two IV attempts, but soon she had a blessed dose of morphine. As she began to calm, I began to sob.

I did this. I turned my back on my baby and a hot cup of tea. I should have known that Rose loves to push the cutting boards in. I should have known better!

The things that people have been telling me have been making me feel even worse. It could have been so much worse. Yes, it could have. Which is why it's so awful that I wasn't paying more attention!   This is what being a mom is all about! Is it? It's about making stupid mistakes that can cause irreparable harm to your own child?  This is the first of many accidents you'll go through. No, not "accidents" like this. I can cope just fine with real accidents - when she tripped and skinned her knee, or when she got a fluke fever and needed antibiotics. Those are true accidents and there was nothing I could have done differently. Me leaving my hot tea on a ledge, only 5 minutes after I asked Rose not to push the other cutting board in because I didn't want a melon to fall on her? That's ME. MY fault. I made the mistake that caused her harm.

And yet, somehow I need to find a way to forgive myself. Rose has forgiven me, Mike has forgiven me, my parents and grandparents seem to have forgiven me. I almost wish they would be mad at me, because then I could be mad at them rather than mad - so mad! - at myself.

I felt a little better after the two hour (!) nap that I took this afternoon. I'm hoping that I'll continue to feel better after a good night's sleep and after Rose's follow-up visit at HCMC's burn unit tomorrow.