mourning

The pain of losing Lucy and Mac seems to come and go. It times I think I've come to a place of acceptance and even gratitude that they are no longer in any pain, but other times the pain of missing them completely takes my breath away.

My parents sent us these beautiful flowers today. Receiving them was bittersweet - we basically haven't been able to have flowers in the house for the past 13 years, since both cats would eat them all and then throw them up. So I welcome the beauty of the flowers (and appreciate that I won't have to wipe up cat puke any more) but it also makes me miss them so much!!

I even caught myself thinking at one point, "oh, I need to cut that ribbon off the vase, otherwise Mac will eat the ribbon and throw it up later." I can go from realizing the cats are gone and thus the flowers are on display, to a split second later thinking I need to keep the ribbon out of his reach?! I'm just having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that they really are gone.

There have been a million other times that it has caught me off guard:
-when I came into the house after work yesterday and automatically lifted my foot to keep a cat from running out the door while it was open
-when we had pizza for dinner last night and didn't have to close the kitchen door to prevent Lucy from eating it
-when I didn't have to shake the can of treats to get Mac out of Rose's room at bedtime
-when no one came to sit on my lap as I was reading yesterday afternoon
-when I was able to leave an unwrapped stick of butter out in the kitchen while I took a break from baking in order to help Rose with something
-when I rolled over in bed last night and realized I didn't have to worry about accidentally kicking a cat at the foot of the bed
-when I wasn't awoken by hangry cat meows after I slept in a bit this morning
-when I dropped a dollop of yogurt on the floor while baking and realized that no cats would lick it up for me
-when we didn't have any cats circling us, demanding the scraps of our fish dinner tonight

I could go on and on. I miss them terribly.

I've been coping by spending lots of time with my family.   Rose, Mike and I have enveloped ourselves in baking, artwork, and family excursions these past couple days. We'll get through this together.

consecutive heartbreak

Tuesday, February 24th:
Mac had barely eaten for at least 24 hours. His corneal ulcer looked TERRIBLE. He had been in hiding all day while we were at work, then after Rose went to bed he came out to sit with me while I was reading in bed. Normally he sits on my lap (or even under the covers with me), but today he stayed down at the foot of the bed. Mike came up to talk to me for a few minutes, and I cried my eyes out about how depressed I was feeling. (Long story, but my depression is back. I'm working my way out of it again.) He convinced me to do some meditation, so I started on that. After about 20 minutes, I realized that Mac had been licking his bum for the entire time that I had been meditating. I gently pulled up his tail, and there was something seriously wrong down there. I rushed him to the Emergency Veterinary Clinic. He was clearly in pain, leaking fecal liquid, and obviously miserable. It's a horrible feeling to see your beloved cat in such extreme misery and to feel so helpless. After evaluation, the verdict was that he had an impacted anal gland that had ruptured and become infected. Oh, poor Mac!  We were faced with the prospect of a major surgery to repair that, plus the possible removal of his eye. It was a horrible, horrible decision to have to make, but Mike and I eventually decided that it would be best to let him go. He was always a kitten at heart, and his quality of life was no longer adequate as it had been declining for months - neither of us could remember the last time that we had seen "crazy Mac time" and we used to be able to set our watches to his antics. He is SO sensitive to medications, so the prospect of multiple anesthesias and pain meds was just too much to consider for him.

I said goodbye and helped him transition to a place where he can chase mice, eat bananas, walk on the counters, and enjoy being a scheister to his heart's content. He lived a good life, and he is so deeply missed.






After getting home around 10pm, I had a bit of time to mourn with Mike. But then his sister Anne contacted us because she needed a ride to the hospital. (Her story is here.) Thankfully my boss let me plan for a mental health day to recover from Mac's death and Anne's illness.


Thursday, February 25th:
I got home from the ER around 5am, slept for a couple hours, and then got up around 8:30 to spend the day with Mike and Rose. We mourned as a family, remembering the good times we had with Mac.   Lucy sat on my lap while Mike and Rose finished the movie they had started earlier in the day. It was heartwrenching to spend time with Lucy while knowing that Mac was gone. Then the three of us went to the Science Museum for a couple hours in order to get our minds off our grief. (It was only somewhat effective. We were quite the scene, with intermittent crying spells that popped up for each of us.) When we got back, Rose and I took a brief nap while Mike visited Anne at the hospital. Around 4pm, shortly after Rose and I had finished our snack, Lucy got up from the cat bed (in front of the heater) where she had been sleeping, and she couldn't move her hind legs! She dragged herself to the rug in our entryway, lost control of her bladder function, and started panting in distress. I called Mike in a panic to tell him to hurry home, called our vet in a panic, and quickly notified the emergency vet that we were on our way. Once we arrived, they immediately took her back for preliminary treatment. The vet came in quickly and notified us that the prognosis was grim: Lucy likely had an underlying heart condition (symptom-less in cats) that caused a clot to break free and had totally blocked all blood flow to her hind quarters. She was in pain, would likely never get function back, and even if she did she was looking at a likely recurrence due to the underlying heart condition. The vet basically urged us to make the most humane decision, letting her go. Less than 24 hours after saying goodbye to Mac, I also had to help Lucy make the same transition over the rainbow bridge.  I imagine her sitting in the sun ever more, warm and peaceful.

 

 I don't know why Mac's time had come, and I can only suspect that Lucy ailed from a broken heart.  My heart now feels broken as well.  They were such wonderful cats. I hope their lives were as happy as we tried to help them to be. They certainly brought immeasurable joy to us and will be forever missed.
.

RIP Mac 9/1/04 - 2/24/16
RIP Lucy 5/1/03 - 2/25/16

California - day 4 (back to home)

The end of our journey was finally here. We, yet again, woke at the crack of dawn. I felt marginally better, but woke frequently to Rose coughing. (It should have been sufficient foreshadowing of her illness to come, but optimistic me thought we could still get back to school/work the next day. Ha!)

We spent much of the morning packing and playing.

Rose and I also walked ~two blocks to the neighborhood playground. It was a gorgeous vista with the mountains in the background and the valley in the foreground, but I had already packed my phone and camera so we didn't get any photos. On the way back to Mitra's house, Rose said: "Mommy, I want to live here." I told her that she could decide to live wherever she wants when she's a grown-up. She responded, "Mommy, when I grow up, if you're still alive, let's live here with Mitra." Uhh...

After Mitra got home from dropping Liam off at kindergarten, we took off for one last sight-seeing spot before heading to the airport. Inspiration Point!

So aptly named! I wish we could have spent a few hours there exploring, but sadly we only had a few minutes :(

The end of a great mommy-daughter vacation!

The flight home was relatively uneventful, at least until the last 30 min. As soon as we started our descent to MSP, Rose decided she HAD to have the tray table DOWN and there was absolutely no reasoning with her. I'm talking full-scale, total preschooler meltdown. It was brutal. Apparently the lack of sleep, change in cabin pressure, and impending illness all combined for an epic showdown of 3-year-old force.  Felt like the longest 30 min of my life! The judgment stares from my fellow passengers were seared into my soul. Remind me to never judge a fellow mom dealing with an unruly kid on a plane ride! Ever!

Check out those "tired eyes" early in the flight!

But eventually we landed, Rose was able to put the tray table down, and all was well in the world again. We rode the moving walkways to the tram, took the tram to the train, rode the train to my car, and finally took the car back home. Home at last!

As I should have predicted, Rose slept poorly with that terrible cough, and woke in the middle of the night with a raging fever. But two days of naps, movies, and smoothies later, we are both well again!

All in all, it was an amazing mommy-daughter vacation.  Next time we'll build in more rest/relaxation time, but I don't regret a second of our fabulous journey.  Rose is such an awesome kid, and I'm so glad I could share all these "firsts" (plane ride, ocean beach, Disney) with her. If only Mike could have joined us, but I guess that just means we'll have to go back again with him next time! :)

California - day 3 (Disney!!)

Once again Rose was on her Central time zone schedule, and work bright and early at 4:30am. (At this point the lack of sleep was starting to catch up with me -- I had a low-grade fever and body aches, so I quickly popped some ibuprofen to help me get through the day.) We again occupied ourselves with quiet things...until about 6am when all bets were off! That's because we planned to leave at 7am for DISNEYLAND!!!!!

(not my photo)

I presented Rose with her "special" Minnie Mouse ears, and let's just say she wasn't impressed. Not my girl who is infatuated with princesses and indifferent to mice. :)  Oh well.

Only a few (like 22, not that anyone was counting) minutes later we intended, we were out the door and on our way! Once we took the highway exit, the roads were PACKED. There were HUGE lines to enter the ginormous parking garage, and LONG lines of people waiting to get on the tram.

(I don't know how I managed this effect on my camera?!? Weird.)

And then, only two hours after packing up the car at Mitra's house, we were inside the gates!!

Our first stop, after coffee for the adults, was going to see the princesses!!!! This was the one thing that Rose was most excited about in all of Disney.  And, while it looked like a short wait with only three families ahead of us, it was a good introduction to the deceptive lines of Disney - it took about 25 min to get inside! I'm so glad we did this first, rather than waiting till later in the day when the line appeared to be 30+ families long.

killing time in line...

 Finally we were in!  The look on Rose's face when she saw Snow White was just PRICELESS.

Then we went around the corner to.... Cinderella!

The sign out front said that only two princesses were in residence, so imagine Rose's delight when we turned the corner and saw a third princess!!! She still hasn't stopped talking about how "there are actually three princesses who live in the castle!" And she truly does believe that they are the real princesses and they actually live together in that castle - so sweet!

Next up we decided to do a couple rides, since the boys hadn't been interested in seeing the princesses and had waited outside that whole time. We went to Fantasyland so we could start with something easy. The first ride we saw was Pinocchio's Daring Journey, which my guidebook had described as "a big let-down," further explaining that: "Unfortunately, the action is hard to follow, and it lacks continuity. Although the sets are three-dimensional and the attraction has a decent length, the story line is dull and fails to engage the guest."  Well, maybe that's true for adults and big kids, but it was pretty scary for little kids! Ellen refused to get on, Liam (age 5) somewhat enjoyed it, and Rose and Muir were both mildly terrified. Oops.

So we did the carousel next!

(not my photo)

And then we waited for Dumbo. I say "waited" and not "rode" because just as we were about to board, Rose frantically had to use the potty. We quickly extricated ourselves from the line, searched a ridiculously long time, and eventually found the bathrooms.

(also not my photo)

At this point I was really starting to feel like I was burning up (fever + 96-degree weather), so I insisted on getting a frozen lemonade drink. Rose, naturally, refused to drink anything more than a sip, so I had to just hope she was managing to stay cool enough with plain (warm-ish) water from her water bottle. At least they give out free ice at all the restaurants in Disneyland, so I was refilling our water bottles at every opportunity (no wonder she had to pee so frantically!).

Next up was the teacups! This was my favorite ride as a kid, so it was the one thing I wanted to make sure we fit in as well.

that's us!

(not my photo)

Having completed the two things we both wanted to be sure to get done, we settled in for a bit as we waited for the rest of the group to finish the canal boat ride they were on.

Once we all regrouped, we decided to split up for a bit. Rose was getting tired (as was I) so I wanted to rent a stroller for the rest of the day (both for her to sit in and for me to put my backpack in). Meanwhile, the other kids all wanted to check out the Star Wars stuff.

So off we went! And it was great timing, because we happened to run into Aurora!!

There was still a line, natch, but at least it was short.

the castle where all four princesses live

After renting a stroller (which happened to be OUTSIDE the gates. Ugh. Should have just done this at the beginning of the day!), we met back up with Mitra for lunch at the pizza place in Tomorrowland, then met up with all the others after the Jedi training show was done (which they had watched twice!). 

At this point Mitra just about had to leave (with baby Clara) to take Katie and Muir to the airport. So we all split up again - they did their "one last thing," while Anna and I took our kids back toward the princess area so we could watch the Frozen play. We got there a little late (as in, not >30 min early, as is recommended), because we got sidetracked by an impromptu Mary Poppins sighting/performance.

So we were lucky to get the last of the seats - back corner, stage left, partial view. Oh well. Better than having to stand!

The show itself was pretty cute. It was a fast-paced retelling of Frozen, as narrated by these two gentlemen. Interestingly, the Anna and Elsa characters never spoke or sang, they just acted out their parts. (I suppose it would be hard for them to compete with Idina Menzel and Kristen Bell!) The the two guys were great, and the ASL interpreters (on the far right of the above photo) were phenomenal - almost more fun to watch than the show itself!

Afterward we decided it was time for ice cream!  Rose and I waited in a seemingly interminably long line for the legendary Dole Whips (for me and Anna) while Anna took Ellen and Liam to find "real" ice cream for the kids.  I have to say, after all the hype about Dole Whips, it really just tasted like... pineapple soft serve to me. "Not my favorite," as Rose would say. But at least it was cold, which helped my fever and body aches, as my ibuprofen had long since worn off by this point.  

Anyway, we rendezvoused back on the main drag, and happened to snag a bench in the shade. Just a minute or two after we sat, some workers ("cast members") asked us to get up because our bench would be moved to the curb in preparation for the upcoming (in 90 minutes) parade!  Score!  I "selflessly" offered to hold the bench for us while Anna took the other two kids on another ride. (It was actually a totally selfish offer, because I was exhausted and wanted a chance for Rose and me to rest!)

Success!  A brief nap is better than nothing.

By the time the parade started, we were all back together and Rose was awake.

so crowded!

The parade had all the classic Disney characters (Mickey, Minnie, Pluto, etc.) as well as all the new classics (every. single. princess.).  The kids all loved it!

Once the parade was over, we told the kids they could all pick out one special souvenir, and then we would be leaving.

 

Over an hour and countless stores later, that task was finally accomplished.

Eleven hours after we left Mitra's house, we were finally exiting the gates of Disney.

It took some extra time to return the stroller, then to walk back to the tram, then to figure out how to collapse Mitra's stroller so we could get on the tram. 
 

But eventually we were back in the care and headed home. What a day! I was SO exhausted at this point, that I was on the verge of tears until I fell asleep. But the day wasn't about me. Despite the hassle, despite the cost, and despite my own personal misery, I wouldn't have traded a single second of it if it would have meant missing these smiles from my little girl:

The look of joy and wonderment on her face was worth was completely and totally worth it.