Why did no one warn me about the horrors of breastfeeding?!? I feel like friends, family, the media, and society in general all showcased a pretty realistic portrayal of the highs and lows of both pregnancy and childbirth. But breastfeeding, on the other hand, has always been portrayed as a relaxing, mother-child bonding time: cue the soft focus camera lenses as mother gazes adoringly at her newborn's sweet face. My experience, however, has been one of clenched toes, stifled sobs, and the searing pain of my nipples being slowly sheared off with a rusty spoon.
It all started well enough in the early hospital hours. The nurses declared her to have an excellent latch, I was producing a decent amount of colostrum, and we started to bond over our brief feeding periods. Of course, I thought, here's the beauty of motherhood! After my awful labor, it seemed only fair that we'd settle right into nursing.
But then the pain started to set in.
I can't describe how awful it got, and how quickly. In the 2+ days we were hospitalized, we met with all three of the official lactation consultants, plus every registered nurse in the special care nursery who earned her LC certificate on the side. After some debate over whether the pain might be caused by her being "tongue tied" (with the requisite treatment being cutting the frenulum in her mouth! No way! Over my dead body!!! Thankfully the pediatrician vetoed this diagnosis almost immediately), all the lactation consultants agreed that my vicious pain was caused by a combination of Rose's extremely vigorous sucking abilities and my extremely sensitive fair skin. Ugh.
Our first solution was to try augmenting our breastfeeding sessions with a feeding tube (like this one). Basically, I'd get Rose latched on, then try to breathe through the pain while Mike inserted the tube into her latch so she'd get extra (pre-pumped) breastmilk from the tube, thus decreasing her need to suck so hard. That worked for a few days, but by Friday (three days post discharge) even that wasn't enough.
So back to the lactation consultants we went.
After much debate about the pros and cons of various solutions, we eventually landed on our second/current solution: exclusively pumping for 24 hours to give my boobs a break, then slowly adding breastfeeding sessions back in, as tolerable. And when I say slowly adding breastfeeding sessions back in, I mean SLOWLY adding them back in. On Sunday I completely jumped the gun with 3 breastfeeding sessions in a row, and that caused a huge setback. So now I'm only breastfeeding about one in six times (if that), as that's truly all I can handle. Especially since I also seem to have Raynaud's of the breast, which is likely contributing (or fully causing?) my pain. So now I'm also on a strict regimen of vitamin B6 daily, in the hopes that this will lessen the pain without having to resort to a prescription medication.
Anyway, so this solution (mostly pumping, plus some B6) seems to be working for now. The main drawback is the amount of time that it takes - when Mike is home/awake, he can bottle-feed Rose while I pump, so we're both done within 30 minutes or so. But when he's away/asleep, it takes me 20-30 minutes to feed/burp/diaper Rose, followed by 30 minutes to pump for her next feeding. (I'm usually producing just barely enough milk, but occasionally we have to supplement with some formula). Not bad at one o'clock in the afternoon, but the whole routine feels exponentially longer at one o'clock in the morning (especially if, like last night, it takes an additional 90 minutes to get her back to sleep again afterward).
Like I said, this solution is doable for now, so I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and worrying about whether I'd be able to continue with this in a month or two. (Simply being able to breastfeed would be so much easier!) Instead, I'm trying to focus on just getting through one feeding at a time. I'm also reminding myself that formula is not the devil - whatever breastmilk I can give Rose is a huge benefit to her, but it's better for me not to get all stressed and in pain, since then she'll just end up drinking cortisol-laced milk, and she certainly doesn't need any more of my stress hormones! A happy mommy and a healthy baby is the goal, no matter what route it takes to get there - even if that means exclusively pumping and/or supplementing with formula. (Right?)
So please keep your fingers crossed for us that we can gradually increase our breastfeeding sessions over time! Like I said to Mike, I can be massively sleep deprived or I can be in horrific pain, but I can't be a happy mommy when both are happening. So for now we'll continue with the sleep deprivation path and hopefully it will eventually lead us to a pain-free breastfeeding future.
2 comments:
Hey Steph!
The first 4 weeks of breastfeeding was the worst, most painful thing I have ever done in my life. (I try not to tell pregnant friends this, since it is not this terrible for everyone, and they have enough to worry about.) I just read your later post that Rose has reached her birth weight - congratulations. It took Ellen three weeks, and I was a wreck. I was told to pump 8 times a day, and I just couldn't handle the pain of feeding and pumping. Plus, I pumped VERY LITTLE - often less than an ounce combined after 20 minutes of pumping. I saw a lactation consultant and tried just about every gizmo out there. Finally, I just quit the pump, took Ellen to bed with me and fed her when she cried, and supplemented with formula when I absolutely couldn't do anything else. She ate about every hour and I remember just curling my hands up so that I wouldn't hurt her when she latched on. I felt like she ate ALL the time. I also changed her diaper in between sides when she woke up in the middle of the night so she wouldn't fall asleep until she was 8 weeks old and the doctor looked at me like I was crazy. By then she was well on her way to being a large baby. :) Around four to six weeks things got a lot better - until then I just told myself to keep trying for two more days every day! Even after six weeks, I got plugged ducts occasionally, and had one side I almost never pumped more than 1 or 2 oz from at a time. My other side would give me 3-5 if I was REALLY lucky, by the time Ellen was about 6 months old.
Ellen weaned herself about a month ago (well, she kept biting me so hard and I was producing so little after I quit pumping that I stopped). Yesterday I went out and bought new, beautiful bras. :) I'm glad I did it for 10 months, but I think we're all way too hard on ourselves about it. Formula does not kill babies, or make them overweight, or even make them dumb. :) Stressed out mommies, on the other hand, probably cause more harm! So, good luck with it, and it DOES get better, but don't worry too much if something happens and it doesn't work out. No one has the right to judge you for it.
Please give me a ring if you ever want to chat about breastfeeding or anything else! You're not alone!
I have to say, although Ricky/I don't share your/Rose's particular set of circumstances, I can completely relate to your frustrations around breastfeeding! If I had time I'd share more, but my schedule now revolves around getting my boobs to yield more milk, so I'm out of time. I found re-reading your story is encouraging. I'm glad things got better for you!
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