Miscarriages = Trust your body
As much as I wanted those pregnancies, they weren't genetically viable. I know no child is perfect, but I'm incredibly relieved that we aren't raising a baby with significant physical and/or mental disabilities. At the time I hated my body for "failing" me, but now I'm starting to see (and to actually believe) that my body was doing exactly what it needed to in those circumstances.
Infertility = Patience
As much as I wanted a baby right away back when we first started trying however many years ago, I'm glad I had a few more years to get established in my career (and for Mike to decide on a career that will actually make him happy and fulfilled!). I'm also glad we had more time together as a couple because it's made our relationship even stronger and allowed us many experiences (travel, weddings, funerals, concerts) that we might have otherwise had to miss.
Pregnancy = Trust your body
(yes, I've had a hard time learning that lesson and apparently needed some repetition!)
After two miscarriages, I had a really, really hard time relaxing at all during this pregnancy. I don't think I started to let myself believe we'd actually end up with a baby until well after 30 weeks. Similarly, I was trying not to worry too much about getting my figure (such as it is) back after delivery, but I should have just trusted myself there too. Maybe someday I'll fully trust that my body really does know what it's doing!
Labor = It's okay to ask for help
All during pregnancy I was determined to have a "natural" birth, just to prove that my body could do it. (Yes, here I was actually trying to trust that my body knew what to do!) But after 24 hours stuck at 3cm and exhausted from back-to-back contractions interspersed with full-body convulsions, I also knew that my body just couldn't keep that up much longer. (Seriously, I wonder if Rose and I would have made it if we lived several hundred years ago?) Sometimes I push myself so hard trying to prove that I can do something that I end up hurting myself in the process (e.g., being involved in a million extracurriculars in HS as well as pursuing the IB diploma -> getting sick all the time because I was so worn out). So I broke down and got the epidural. A part of me felt like a failure at the time, but I really and truly think now that it was the best decision I could have made. Who knows if it might have prevented a c-section (from too much time passing since my waters broke) or prevented post-partum depression (from being too exhausted and hormonal) if my labor had dragged on much longer? And it was a good experience to ask for help, which I am often loathe to do.
Early parenthood = Be present
Breastfeeding was so incredibly painful for so long that I couldn't even bring myself to think about the AAP's recommendation that babies be breastfed for one year. Sometimes I had to focus on just getting through the current feeding, trusting that just because the pain was nearly intolerable now didn't mean that it would be so bad next time. Similarly, after being awakened for what seems like the 18th time in one night, I have to remind myself that not every night will be like this and eventually I will get a solid eight hours again. (Some day. And in the mean time, I can also ask for help from Mike/friends/parents during the day so I can rest!) Finally, when I start to worry about dropping Rose off at daycare in a month, I have to remind myself that I won't be dropping off the Rose of today - I'll be dropping of a three-month-old Rose who will be at a much different place developmentally than she's at now. So rather than worry about whether the breastfeeding pain might come back or how many times I'll be woken up tonight or how daycare would handle her current state, I'd rather focus on the adorable girl that's sleeping peacefully right next to me:
1 comment:
Beautiful :) Your words, your reflections, and your daughter..
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