I think part of the reason that I've been so susceptible to things is that I've been continuing to stress about nursing. I never thought I'd say it, but I had actually come to enjoy feeding Rose (at least most of the time). For that most part it's super convenient, and I like that it's free (after the exorbitant sum we paid for her special bottles and nipples). And she so clearly seems to enjoy and thrive on milk, so the thought of giving it up truly saddens me. But at the same time, I feel like Bertha the breastpump not only sucks the milk out of me, but she also sucks out a part of my soul. I feel like I'm dying inside. I truly despise lugging Bertha back and forth to work every day, I'm really starting to resent the amount of time that it takes to pump and wash all the parts, and I also get frustrated that the vast majority of the feeding responsibility falls on my shoulders. I've come to the point that I basically hate it, and I also hate that I hate it. How can I be so selfish? Don't I want to help Rose be as happy and healthy as she can possibly be? What kind of mother am I?
Before Rose was born, I really wanted to make it to one year with exclusive breastfeeding. Immediately after she was born, I just wanted to make it through the next feeding! But after about six weeks we hit our stride and I was back to long-term breastfeeding plans. It wasn't too bad after I first got back to work, but as the weeks have worn on I've become increasingly frustrated and resentful - and have been feeling increasing guilt for even feeling such things. (How about some secondary judgment to really lay on the misery!?!) I bought myself some time a few weeks ago when I decided to cut down from pumping twice a day at work (for a total of 3x/day) to only once per workday, but even that isn't enough any more. I've been saying for months now that I'm just taking it week by week, or day by day, or feeding by feeding, and now I've come to realize that I have to stop now if I'm going to keep my sanity. I've reached my breaking point.
I literally broke down with Mike yesterday, and he was incredibly supportive. I don't think he truly understands what a difficult decision this has been for me, but he knows how it's been tearing me up inside and he's a wonderful partner when I'm struggling. Man, I just hate that I feel so guilty about this! I know it's the right decision, but it's so hard not to beat myself up about it.
And even though I'm at my breaking point, I'm still not ready to give it up completely. (Because I want to continue or because I'm a glutton for punishment? I really don't know, and quite frankly I'm not willing to investigate that corner of my psyche tonight when I'm already feeling so raw.) So starting the week after Thanksgiving, I'm going to breastfeed Rose just in the morning and the evening, and Bertha the breastpump will stay at home. The plus side to this plan is self-evident, but the potential drawback is that I'll still have to pump on the four mornings per week that I leave the house before Rose wakes up. And the really big potential drawback is that my milk might dry up completely; we'll just have to wait and see.
So there you have it. I'm publicly admitting defeat. I've waving the white flag to surrender. I'm so sorry, Rose. I hope one day you can understand that I had to make this decision because I love you and want to be there for you, as paradoxical as that might seem.
Here's my beautiful girl. Let's hope she can adapt quickly after the rug gets pulled out from underneath her in a week.
No comments:
Post a Comment